(If you’d rather watch and listen instead of reading an article, click here for Dr. Wendy’s video.)

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re out of control”? Or maybe you realized later that you said or did things impulsively that you wish you could take back? If so, this is for you. Let’s talk about what it means to be out of control.

Imagine you’re playing a game. You use the controller to make your character move, play, and ultimately win the game. Suddenly, someone grabs the controller away from you. They start making your character do things without your permission. You can’t do anything but watch as your character spirals out of control. Before you know it, it’s game over. You lost. When you’re out of control, it’s as if you gave the controller of your life to a stranger, and bad decisions are made before you have a chance to make a better choice.

You didn’t ask for this.

It’s not as if you want to be “out of control.” It just happens sometimes. Some people might think it’s related to neurodiversity, such as being Autistic or an ADHDer. Some people think it’s just a short fuse that makes you lose your temper easily. Whatever the reason, when things happen and you lose control, nobody’s happy, least of all you. But what can you do?

Well, you can begin by learning to understand your own reactions, beginning with what people mean when they say, “You’re out of control.”

What Does it Mean to be Out of Control?

Being “out of control” means exactly what it sounds like: you’re not in control of your own actions or words. You might say things you don’t mean, and you might do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do.

When you were a toddler and you had a tantrum, it was expected. No one is surprised when a two-year-old screams or shakes their little fists or stamps their feet. It can even be cute.

But when you’re a full-grown adult and you do the same things, it can be scary for the people around you. When an adult is out of control, people don’t know what they might do next. If you’re shouting, swearing, and stomping your feet now, what’s next? Will you start throwing or breaking things, or even hurting people or pets? They don’t know what you’ll do. It’s scary to be around someone who is not in control of themselves. Afterward, It can be difficult for other people to feel comfortable around you, or to trust that it won’t happen again.

If you lose control, It’s probably scary for you, too. You don’t plan to lose control on purpose, it feels like something is happening to you.

Fortunately, people who love and care about you will usually try to be patient with you. They understand that you don’t mean to be out of control. They want to help you.

The important thing to know is that you can change. You can learn to control your own actions and reactions. You deserve to have help and understanding while you learn.

To find out more, check out the next video and blog post about Control: Part 2, Why do You Lose Control?