Dating and Boundaries: Don't Overstep, and Don't Get Stepped Over

You hear a lot of talk about boundaries these days. That's probably because it's so important to respect boundaries, not only others' boundaries, but also your own. The poet Maya Angelou wrote, "I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me."

Boundaries are not just lines drawn on a map. The boundaries between people are also invisible but just as important. In dating, if you don't know where the boundaries are, it's easy to get into trouble.

Don't Overstep

Overstepping someone's boundaries, even without realizing you're doing it, can lead to making them uncomfortable, angry, or even fearful enough to call 9-1-1.

Stalking

You might like someone and want to go out with them, hoping someday to have a romantic relationship. People in relationships know where their partner lives, but you don't know where the object of your affection lives. It seems logical to you that you should find out, so you follow them and stand outside their home. You're happy to just be on the street where they live, and have no intention of bothering them. Unfortunately, following someone home is considered stalking. The person you followed may decide you're creepy, or even potentially dangerous. At best, they might avoid you in the future. At worst, they might call the police. Either way, following someone is overstepping their boundary, and it's never okay. 

Smothering 

 Another way people overstep boundaries is by asking personal questions. If you work or go to school with someone and you want to get to know them better, don't start off by coming on too strong. Don't ask if they're single, or if they want to have children someday, or how much money they make. Don't ask for their personal email or phone number. If you ask a question (not a series of questions) about their interests or what book they're reading or what shows they're watching, or if you comment on something you two share such as work or school, you can be pretty sure you're not stepping over any personal boundaries. It takes time and patience for a friendship to develop, and pushing too hard or fast can stop it before it starts. 

Protect Your Boundaries 

This goes both ways, of course. If someone else oversteps your personal boundaries and you don't put a stop to it early, you might find yourself in an uncomfortable or even dangerous situation.

"Back up!"

Sometimes a friendly tone is misinterpreted as flirtatious, and someone can get the wrong idea. Be aware of your surroundings and their proximity; if they get too close or try to back you into a corner, that's trouble. Don't be shy about saying, "You're too close; please back up." If someone asks you very personal questions, like if you live alone, or details about your past relationships, this could be a danger sign. Just because someone asks a question, you are not obligated to answer. You can ignore it, change the subject, or say right out, "I'm not comfortable talking about things like that." Move away. It's not always safe to be alone with someone you don't know well. Even if they have the best of intentions, you are the only one who gets to decide what your own boundaries are. No one has the right to overstep and make you uncomfortable.

"Stop Calling!" 

Boundaries are not only physical, like getting too close or trying to move from a platonic to a romantic relationship too quickly. People have communication boundaries, too. One person might feel it's fun to text someone a regular good morning and good night, with other cheerful gifs and texts sprinkled throughout the day. Someone else might feel smothered by daily texts. It's okay to ask and find out what kind of communication the other person wants, and then stick to their preferences. 

You Deserve Respect

Everyone's boundaries are different. There are no hard and fast rules, except to go slowly enough to become aware of a boundary before you discover you've already crossed it. When in doubt, let them know that you don't want to overstep, and ask them about boundaries. And don't forget to tell them about your boundaries, too.

Brené Brown wrote, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

May we all have such courage.

This post is excerpted and summarized from the fourth chapter of Dating While Autistic: Cut Through the Social Quagmire and Find Your Person, the second book in the Adulting While Autistic series by Wendela Whitcomb Marsh. If you'd like to read more, ask for the book at your public library, local independent bookstore, or you may purchase it online here. You might also want to check out the Dating While Autistic Pocket Conversation Cards.