Loving Words for Relating While Autistic
Nelson Mandela wrote, “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” Communicating in a way that goes to the heart is important in any relationship, but especially in a marriage or life partnership.
Love Languages
In Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, he uses the phrase “Words of Affirmation” to describe using words, whether spoken, written, signed, or otherwise communicated, to let your partner know that you love them.
Infodumping
Amythest Schraber’s 5 ND Love Languages uses “Infodumping” for the same kind of communicating, but in a way that many autistic or otherwise neurodivergent folk can relate to.
Emotional Bid
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman uses the term “emotional bid” to refer to any reaching out to a partner for attention, affection, or connection.
When you really love something, it means a lot to share it with your partner. It’s not random factoids, it’s an emotional bid, a love language, a sign of trust and a desire for closeness.
Two-Way Street
All love languages are two-way streets, illustrating the give and take of a relationship, and the language of loving words is no different. There is the expressive side, the desire to give your partner words of love, as well as the receptive side, the desire to hear or read words of love from your partner. Those who resonate with loving words may relate to either the expressive side, the receptive side, or both.
Giving Loving Words
People with expressive loving words as a strength love to use words to show their partner how much they care. Sending an affectionate text, speaking words of encouragement or adoration, and finding the perfect sentiment to write on an anniversary card, are all ways that they demonstrate their love. Those who do not have this language hard-wired into them may become tongue-tied when trying to express their love. They may struggle to find the right words and never feel they get it right. This doesn’t mean they love less, only that expressive loving words is not their strongest way of communicating their love.
Receiving Loving Words
Hearing or reading loving words is important to those who have the receptive love language of loving words. This person might crave an extra “I love you” before their partner goes off to work, a haiku or heart on the bathroom mirror, or long, poetic love letters. Whatever the form, these expressions touch the heart of the person whose receptive love language is loving words. They glow when hearing, reading, or remembering the loving words of their partner, and feel uplifted and appreciated by words. For them, receiving words of love is vital to feeling loved.
Listen to your Partner’s Communication Preferences
Not everyone feels the same way. Some people are uncomfortable or embarrassed hearing themselves praised, especially publicly. If one partner keeps heaping on effusive words of love while the other partner cringes, they are on different wavelengths. It’s like the Golden Rule, only instead of treating others as you would want to be treated, treat your partner the way they want to be treated. Don’t expect your partner to share your love languages; it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible just because you have different ways that you like to show and receive messages of love. The important thing is to ask what your beloved wants and needs from you, and to align with one another.
Couples: Know Your Love Languages
Knowing your own and your partner’s love languages is an important first step in improving your communication and deepening your relationship. You can find out how your partner feels about words of love by talking it over at a family meeting, or even on a date night, as long as it’s not a touchy or stressful subject for either of you. However you communicate best, remember that the person you’re talking to is your beloved, the one you chose to be with above all others, so choose words that heal and don’t harm. The Buddha said, “Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”
May you and your partner live and love in peace.
The ideas in this article are excerpted from chapter 4 of Relating While Autistic: Fixing Mixed Signals for Neurodivergent Couples, book 3 in the five-book series Adulting While Autistic series by Wendela Whitcomb Marsh. If you’d like to read more, I hope you’ll ask for the book at your public library, local independent bookstore, or you may purchase it online here.