Playdate Playbook: Four Tips for Parenting While Autistic

Most kids are social beings. They love to play together with other kids their age. The problem is, they can’t drive yet, they’re just kids. After school, they rely on you to help them make the social connections they crave. If you grew up autistic, it might not seem important to you, but ask your child how they feel. Do they want to hang out with other kids after school, on weekends, and during vacations? Or are they perfectly happy to spend school breaks as family time, and see their classmates again when they get back to school? Their preference may change as they progress from kindergarten toward middle school, so be prepared to keep up with their changing needs.

If you have a little social butterfly, but you’d rather stay cozy in the comfort of your home, you may need to find creative ways to help them meet their social needs. A play date with one classmate may be just the thing. This may include a trip to the park, so let’s use PARK to remember some key points: Parents, Anticipate, Reciprocate, and Keep it simple.

PARK

PARENTS

The P in PARK is for Parents.

First, try to get to know the other parents in your child’s class, especially parents of the kids your child talks about the most. You might meet them at a parent meeting, or when you drop off and pick up your kids. Introduce yourself, not only with your own name, but also with your identity as “Claire’s Dad” or “Jack’s Mom.” Then make sure you say Hi to them each time you see them. When you’re more comfortable being around them, you might ask if they want to get the kids together at a nearby park after school.

Second, think about your own parents and in-laws. Many grandparents would love to take their grandchild to a park, fast food playground, or children’s museum and watch them socialize informally with other kids. Your parents might even step up to take your child to a birthday party or structured play date if you don’t feel up to the social demands. Grandparents can be lifesavers. Trust them to have your back when you need them!

ANTICIPATE

The A in PARK is for Anticipate

Anticipate what will be the most difficult part of a play date for you. Is it socializing with the other parent? Then consider an activity such as miniature golf or visiting a petting zoo or pumpkin patch, rather than just sitting on a park bench next to a virtual stranger. Do you hate to be outside in the bright sun? Find an indoor art class for kids. It doesn’t matter which part of a play date is the hardest one for you to cope with, knowing in advance what to expect, what will be difficult, and what strategies you can put into place, will help make it manageable.

RECIPROCATE

The R in PARK is for Reciprocate

If another parent is always inviting your child over to play with their child, it’s going to seem one-sided if you don’t reciprocate. Take turns thinking of something to do with the kids, and ask them sometimes, rather than always waiting to be asked. If you never invite them to do something or suggest a shared activity, they may assume you don’t like them, or that your child doesn’t like their child. If you’re not comfortable having people in your home, go to a playground, park, or children’s museum. The important thing to model for your child is the importance of taking turns.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

The K in PARK is for Keep it Simple

This is the most important thing to remember. Keep it simple. You don’t have to orchestrate a play date extravaganza to end all extravaganzas. Kids don’t care about the hoopla; they just want to play. Providing them with a place to play is a great start.

If you’re at a park or playground, the swings and slides are already there. If they come over to your house on a rainy day, paper and crayons or a board game might be all you need. Even a birthday party doesn’t need to be extreme as long as the kids have something to do, like a simple art activity or game. It’s not necessary to hire a magician, pony ride, clown or princess to make an appearance, just let the kids be kids.

They’ll make their own fun.

The P.A.R.K. parenting tips are from chapter 4 of Parenting While Autistic, the 4th book in my Adulting While Autistic series. If you’d like more, ask for the book at your public library, your local independent bookstore, wherever you like to buy books, or you may purchase it online here.