Positive Supportive Language with Suzanne Plumley, Autistic Podcaster
I enjoyed my conversation with Autistic Podcaster Suzanne Plumley on her podcast. We talked about positive supportive language and its importance when raising children. Because of technical and internet issues, the video has some glitches and is not easy to watch. You could listen without the visual, or if you prefer, here’s a summary of the two main ideas we talked about:
Teach Them to Say No.
As toddlers, even before they can verbalize, accept their nonverbal protestations, and offer an alternative whenever you can. If their vocalizations and body language let you know that they say no to broccoli, reinforce that. Tell them, “You’re saying No to broccoli? Okay, bye-bye broccoli. No, thank you, broccoli.” Then remove the broccoli from their plate immediately. This lets them know that you heard them, even though they didn’t have the words to tell you what they don’t like. Acknowledging their communication attempts by immediately taking away the thing they don’t want teaches them the power of communication. Even nonverbal communication is real communication that should be honored. Don’t worry, they’ll be fine without broccoli today, and you can offer peas or applesauce or something else you know they like. Another day you might try again to encourage them to try broccoli, but more important than broccoli, showing them that you respect their “No” is powerful. They will learn that communication is meaningful and can change things. Teaching them to say “No” is an important skill for lifelong protection. If we teach them that they must always comply with orders from adults, even if they’re uncomfortable with what the adult is telling them to do, we make them vulnerable, not strong.
Believe Them When They Tell You Who They Are.
Whether it’s a teenager coming out as nonbinary, transgender, or gay, or a young adult self-identifying as autistic even though they were never diagnosed in childhood, believe them. Love them. Respect their own self-knowledge and support them without casting doubts on their heartfelt disclosure. How you respond when your child tells you something about themselves that you might not want to hear could change your relationship forever. When your child drops a bombshell like this, if you’re like most parents you’ll want to reassure them of your love. But hold off. The very first words out of your mouth when they tell you, “I’m autistic,” or “I’m gay,” should not be, “I love you,” because that implies, “I love you anyway, in spite of this thing you told me that maybe I don’t love about you.” If you’ve been telling them you love them since they were born, you don’t need to say it again in this moment. Rather, let your first words be, “Thank you for telling me this.” “Tell me more, I’m listening.” “What can I do to support you?” Don’t try to argue with them or convince them that you know them better than they know themselves. It’s just not true, and it could push them away from you. Listen without judgment and offer support without strings; this lets them know that you are there for them, and that your love is completely unconditional. There is nothing they can say that would change your love for them, so saying, “I love you” right now is unnecessary. You can say it later, and you’ll tell them you love them many times throughout their lives. In this moment, when they tell you who they are behind their mask, just listen and be there for them. This unwavering acceptance will demonstrate your love far louder than any words.