Shy, Autistic, or Both?
Guest Blog written by Sxdni (they/ze)
I am a late-affirmed, AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth) autistic adult whose “people-pleasing” and introspective childhood tendencies were unrecognized autistic traits. As a kid, I think I certainly was shier than I am today. I have learned to “do” small talk, though dislike it. Like many autistic people, I strive for deep and authentic conversations. I don’t like being the center of attention, though I can tolerate it. I enjoy active listening as much as speaking. For most of my life, parties and bars have been areas to avoid, though my crowd refusal is very context-based and depends on my own internal capacity.
Sound Sensitivity and Fluctuations
Like many autistic folk/x, I am sensitive to noise. My noise-sensitivity has vacillated throughout the years. As a child at night in my room, I could hear my parent’s TV several doors down the hall, even when the volume was very low and I had my own bedroom door closed. I also went through a period where I needed earplugs at the movie theater. That need lasted for a certain amount of time and then seemed to lessen. I am currently affected again by loud noise at events. I think fluctuations in sound sensitivity as well as other sensory issues common to autistic people, are characteristics connected to my shyness, but not the whole picture.
People-Filled Spaces and Conversations
As someone who discovered their autism in the summer of 2025, I recently realized something about myself, in terms of people sitting together at a table or in some other kind of cluster. Walking up to a crowded table or space often takes much more preparation and processing time, then walking up to an empty or less busy spot. When I’m coming up to a crowded table, the energy I perceive may be jagged and tense or rhythmic and smooth, but regardless of quality, I am aware of the pulsing words or signals bouncing through the air. They push and pull at me, and the energy of multiple people jabs at my consciousness. I must navigate noise, figure out where and how to “jump in” and wade through multiple conversations.
Masking and Being Perceived
I may also be afraid of being perceived. This is a common autistic experience, stemming from a trauma history of shame, invalidation, the impact of masking and autistic hyperawareness. Though I have become less shy as an adult, I may not actually have the spoons to go and try to insert myself into a group, which then plunges me into autistic inertia. Yet, I may want to be at the activity, which also causes stress.
Crowd Energy and Spoons
The degree to which I can go from person to person in a roomful of people, or if I want to stay in one place, depends on the energy in the room, how many spoons I have left, and how comfortable I am with the individuals present. Recently I was at an event with perhaps six or seven people who were friends or very familiar acquaintances, and it wasn’t what I would call noisy - but it had been more crowded at an earlier point, which posed a bit of a challenge. Later in the evening with the small remaining number of people, I no longer had the capacity to go from person to person, so I “parked” myself against a wall and watched from afar. However, I would have enjoyed speaking with someone had they approached me.
Dogs and Human Friendships
During childhood I was much less interested in others. When I was little, I really wanted to be a dog and be involved with dog things. I sat and watched dogs and drew horses, dogs, and wolves for hours. Non-human animals were and still are one of my intense areas of study. As I got older, I developed human friendships and became more comfortable introducing myself to others. Then I went to college and chose to have roommates from around the world, as I discovered additional deep interests in sociology, ethnic studies, and history. I lived in the campus international dorm, where I gained insights from so many folks/x. Now, I enjoy meeting new people, and I continue to enjoy learning about additional cultures and communities.
Shyness or Autism?
For me, what separates shyness from autism is the overall functioning of the individual. An autistic person regardless of specific autism profile, has a pattern of characteristics within a range of what is common for most if not all autistics. That pattern or framework doesn’t change in and of itself. What changes is their ability to work with/around it and for many (depending on the degree or amount of support needs), to find ways to improve some of the aspects that they feel are more challenging – but the basic propensity is consistent. This includes having situations that are disabling due to the Western model of disability. To me, shyness is a trait that both neurotypical and neurodivergent people can have, and it is not disabling in the same way that autism is.
Today I consider myself a somewhat shy, autistic person who is learning to figure out ways of coping that support my needs and strengths. One of my skills is my research ability, which has allowed me to discover more about who I am. In doing so, I hope that I can help other people connect with their own authenticity, whether they are a “cozy book-nook” autistic person or the autistic “life of the party.”
Guest Blog written by Sxdni (they/ze)