Stim When Your Body Says, “Stim!”

Many autistic people have their favorite repetitive behaviors, quirks, or mannerisms. These self-stimulatory behaviors are called stims. Do you stim? Some of the most common are shaking or flapping your hands (“jazz hands”), fiddling with your fingers, rocking, spinning around, spinning objects, and tapping your body or objects.

Why Stim?

Stimming can express pure joy, often related to a strong interest.

Stims are also used to self-regulate stress or self-soothe. When your stimming increases or becomes more intense, that’s a good indication that you’re getting overstimulated, even at risk for a meltdown. I hope the people in your life recognize that change in your stims so they can step in to help remove a stressor.

Whether stims express happy excitement or signal distress that could escalate to a meltdown, they serve a useful purpose.

Don’t Stifle Stims

If anyone in your life tries to stifle your natural inclination to move your body, especially if they tell you to have “nice hands” or “quiet hands,” it’s condescending, and even insulting. You have the right to ask them to stop using those phrases. Then, take a moment to consider why they might feel the need to tell you to stop stimming in the first place. If you don’t know why, ask them.

Why Would Anyone Try to Stop Your Stims?

Are they embarrassed? If so, that’s their problem. You’re an adult, and it’s time for them to accept you as you are, stims and all.

Are they afraid that others will realize that you’re “different” somehow? Spoiler Alert: Most people already know, and anyway, who cares? There’s no shame in being different, or in being autistic. Why should you try to hide who you are?

Are they worried that you won’t be able to find friends or get a job if you rock or shake your hands when you’re nervous? Finding work and making friends are challenges that everyone faces. Stopping a stim will not suddenly open doors. Friendship and employability are complex issues which you can address, but not by simply trying to stifle your natural inclination to move. You have a right to your stims, and you should never feel you have to change yourself just to make someone else feel comfortable.

What About You?

Do you, yourself, want to change some of your own mannerisms? I mean for yourself, not because someone else wants you to change. You can change your own behavior, but you should ask yourself why you move your body in these ways. Is it when you’re uncomfortable or anxious? If so, your stims may serve a useful purpose as a pressure-relieving escape valve to help you regulate stress. Think about what else you could do to relieve your stress instead of the movement you want to quit doing. Some people decide to switch from flicking their fingers at shoulder level to rubbing their fingernails or fingertips with their hands down at their sides. They get the same feeling, but it is less noticeable. Remember, though, you are not obligated to make your stims smaller for someone else’s benefit, only if this change is something you truly want for yourself.

Stimming is Self-Care

If you do decide you want to change or stop a stim, always find another way to meet the same need. If you just stop doing a thing without giving your body something else to take its place, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Stimming is a form of self-care if you need movement to manage stress.

On the other hand, do you usually stim when you’re happy or excited, as a way for your body to express the joy you may not have words for in that moment? Why would you want to stop doing that? I hope you feel free to keep on using your body to express your feelings. People are diverse, with many unique forms of self-expression. Let other people get used to and accept your personal style of self-expression, rather than trying to change something that works for you.

You should never have to stop doing what feels natural to you just to make someone else comfortable. If anyone has a problem with your behaviors or body movements that are not harming anyone, that is not a “you” problem, that is a “them” problem. You never need to make yourself feel dysregulated or uncomfortable just to try to make other people more comfortable.

I hope that you always feel free to be your stunning, stimming, uncensored self.

You deserve it.

This post is summarized from chapter 4 of Independent Living While Autistic: Your Roadmap to Success. If you’d like to read more, ask for the book at your local library, local independent bookstore, or you can purchase it here.